It's been a rough few days.
Right now, I'm sitting at the computer fighting nausea. I was loading the dishwasher, and the room got very swimmy for a moment. It was one of the worst vertigo episodes I've had; it was all I could do to not become a close and personal friend with the kitchen floor for a few moments. I know at the time I had been overdoing it for about twenty minutes; I had found out the garage fridge had become unplugged and I had to deal with a horrid mess in the freezer. But still, in the days P.T. (Pre-Tumor) that wouldn't have been an issue. As it is, I'd like the world to stop moving in unnatural ways, please.
Added to that that today has consisted of random, intermittent, sharp stabbing pains in the right temple and it's just been a freaking barrel of joy. Work has also been stressful this week -- nothing is wrong, there's just been a lot of fires to put out -- and what I really want to do is call off work tomorrow and stay in bed all day. What I'll do, instead, is get up, suck it up, and do my job.
I'm trying to count my blessings right now. People are checking in on me. People care about me. My oldest daughter gets here on Saturday, and that's a great source of joy for me. I will have all three of my children for Christmas for the first time in many years. Hell, I'm still breathing.
But it's hard right now. I'm scared of the surgery, I'm scared of the vertigo, I'm tired of the pain and the blurry vision, and I'm scared of the weeks of forced inactivity after the surgery. I'm realizing how much that is going to just drive me bananas. There's only so much daytime television one can watch, assuming I'll even be able to watch TV at all. The boredom may stalk me more than any other recovery issue. I'll need people and things to entertain me, or I'll need to get damned good at entertaining myself.
And once again, in I-Group on Tuesday, I had to do some work about being gentle with myself and remembering I'm not a well person right now. I'm not getting that lesson, either.
There's a lot of challenges right now. I wish I could take a day to just nap.
Dearheart, one day at a time. One breath at a time, sometimes. I don't think the inactivity will be as crazy-making as you expect, because you're assuming current levels of focus and energy rather than healing. It's entirely likely that all you'll want to do for the first couple of weeks is sleep, and that's fine. Your body rebuilds tissue during sleep, and burns a hell of a lot of energy doing it. I understand where you're coming from, but your extrapolating from insufficient data. Breathe, and tomorrow will come, each tomorrow in its turn. Love you.
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