It's Sunday, it's been raining for two days, and I'm starting -- maybe -- to get some sense of comprehension around this.
It's starting to seem real, not something that's happening to something else. I couldn't tell you, my non-existent reader, how that's different, but it is; it's becoming fact rather than an ephemeral fantasy, and as such it's becoming a factor -- though not the dominant one -- in how I live my life.
I had plans in February, for example. Now, I have to consider if the treatment will affect them. I have to figure out how to train someone else in the eight million small things I do at work. I have to think about this stuff, and honestly I don't want to. I think it's damned unfair that the guava has forced me to. It makes me mad, and anger is not an emotion I work well with at all. (It took me three years of therapy with a very patient therapist just to get me to express my anger in a controlled fashion).
I told the leadership of a community I'm deeply involved with the news. (I am also leadership.) I'm surprised at the responses; I feel like some of them have been -- bloodless? Formulaic? I know that these men love me dearly, and my judgment (projection?) is that they may be stunned or not know how to respond. Or maybe I'm just hypersensitive, or expecting more, or something. Well, looking at things like that is why I'm writing this.
Finally, I had my first healing session with a very powerful friend who does healing energy work. My feelings on that is while I have a firm belief in traditional medicine (though I trust not the union of medicine and profit) I also know so-called 'alternative' medicine can be just as useful, if not more so. This particular man's stuff works. I've seen it work. So I am trusting him, implicitly, to do me some good. It seems, today, that my right eye is less swollen; it might be wishful thinking, but I also have no headache today...
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