T-16 days, and I have been moody.
(Can't imagine why.)
Some days I'm good, able to deal with people, optimistic, outgoing. Some days I'm damn near in tears. I came to the realization the other day how much effort I have put into putting on a brave public face; when I told my vendors at work that I had a brain tumor, several of them responded with 'I would not have known you were sick'. Well, I guess that was my intention; but I realized how much emotional energy that cost me, and how perhaps in retrospect I burned too much candle maintaining a normal public face. It's water under the bridge now; I have ten days of work left, two of which are only half days because of pre-op appointments. Wednesday, I sit down with my boss and the head of HR and define who's covering for me and what my job requirements are going to be when I come back.
Did I mention that my company is currently going through corporate adolescence and developing some more organized HR procedures? Guess who has two thumbs and gets to have a job description first?
So past this week, the timetable gets more organized. Monday the 11th is my pre-op with Dr Kemper, the lead brain surgeon, and all the pre-op testing at Seton. (Gods only know what that involves. I know there's a clotting test, which sounds fearfully like Sam Peckinpah's "Salad Days".) I will be asking him if I have to shave my head. If I do, I go have my barber do it either Monday or Tuesday. Photos will be posted for the morbidly curious.
Wednesday the 13th is my preop with Dr Durairaj, my optical surgeon, when we find out if we have to drop over a thousand dollars up front to him. That's the scariest part of the week, as far as I'm concerned.
Friday the 15th is my last day at work, which I'm sure will be either maudlin or utterly ignored. I'm placing bets with myself on which it will be.
Monday the 18th I'm considering spending drunk. Or in bed. Or both.
Tuesday the 19th is my ritual trepanning.
Whee.
Maybe if they only need the sides shaved, I could get a mohawk!
ReplyDeleteYou don't keep up the facade of normality for other people; you keep it up for yourself. It's a way of saying that life goes on and will continue to go on, and that you will damn well be part of it. It's also a defense against answering questions or fieldimg stupid comments from people whose business it is not, but who will still feel free to tell you horror stories or whatever else. So no. It's not a waste of energy. It's not for their benefit; it's for yours. --Mama K
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